an introvert living in an extrovert world

I am an introvert and a pastor. "Fitting in" has never been easy. This makes being a pastor challenging. A few years ago a pastor friend told  me that I wouldn't be a good preacher since I was an introvert. I took these words to heart. Maybe he is right. It was an indictment on who I was. And who I was... was going to keep me from who God was calling me to be. I viewed my introversion as a cross I need rid myself of rather than a gift. Fast forward a few years another pastor told me not tell people that I am an introvert. It was supposed to be a secret.

Time and time again and I am reminded of this quality. Every new place I go to I hear the same murmurings "he didn't talk to everyone at the supper" or "he is not fitting in..."

I explain to people that you have to give me a chance to marinade.

I confess I find it difficult being an introvert. I wish I could walk into a room with a big group of people and not be overwhelmed. Or that I  wouldn't be so disappointed by surface level conversations. Some one asks me, "How are things going?" I respond, "Not so good." They respond, "Cool... well it was good to see you!" Salivating for a real, deep conversation, yet again let down.

Yet there is a gift in the introvert. There is a gift in me. I reflect, process, and listen well. I see people that others don't see. Because I know what it means to be lost in the crowd. And so I know how to make sure someone isn't lost in the crowd.

God doesn't talk to me

These past few weeks we have been doing a group study on prayer. I would be the first to admit that I am the least qualified to teach about prayer. It sounds odd that being a pastor that I find it difficult to pray. Yet here I am teaching this study. Paving some sort of way. I emphasized that praying is like a relationship. It isn't about checking the box. I was trying to lead people away from quantifying their prayer. 

Then one of the men raised his hand with a question. This man was a life long Christian. Grew up in a baptist preacher's home. And was still trying to figure this whole thing out years later. He asked, "I get the relationship part... but it is kind of hard when you talk... and you don't hear anything back." 

Seminary didn't prepare me for this question. He was right. He called out the real void he felt between God. And prayer just wasn't cutting it. 

This question has stayed with me and will stay with me. The only thing that I could gather up is that in my own hesitancy to pray... it always has turned out good. I don't know what it is... prayer changes me. It changes my attitude. It changes my vision away from myself to God. 

I am grateful for real, vulnerable questions. Because I think everyone of us left that night... with a deep appreciation for this thing called prayer.