Last year one of the churches made me a collage of my ordination. There were pictures of me being ordained and pictures with my family after the service. It was a beautiful gift.
The year prior to being ordained was a difficult year because I was delayed. I knew it after my ordination interview before they even told me. At the end of the interview, I got the impression that there was going to be some things that I needed to work on prior to being ordained. It was pretty clear to me that this wasn't my year.
I held myself together in the interview... on my way to the car I passed a friend who just had his interview. He said his interview went great. I lied about mine and said mine did too. Got in the car and my stomach sank.
Some might have cried injustice. But I went right to shame.
"Someone has finally figured you out... you aren't cut out for this work..."
"Just give up... throw in the towel..."
I began thinking about how I was going to tell my church. Would they even care? What were the people who didn't like me going to think? "We knew this guy wasn't cut out for church work..."
And then I thought about my one-year-old daughter.
"Wow! What kind of father are you for her..." What was she going to think about this delay?
Then trying to digest all these emotions in the coming weeks... I felt like I no longer existed to those in my cohort that were getting ordained that year... I had disappeared... they wouldn't look at me... talk to me... I was delayed...
The root of shame is to destroy our dignity. I was trying hard to keep my head above water and a smile on my face.
This collage of pictures became a beacon of hope for me. It reminded me that the voice in my head wasn't telling me the truth.
And the greatest gift of all is that in one of these photos was a picture of my one-month-old son. Grant it he didn't sleep the entire annual conference both me and my wife were stressed the entire time! But none the less not just my daughter was present that day but my son was there too.
There is definitely a lot of feelings that go with being delayed from ordination. There are also a lot of stigmas that keep people like me in the shadows like I carry the disease of being delayed.
Sometimes I would stay up late at night and type into google, "blog delayed united methodist ordination..." and blogs would come up about how people were delayed in the process and how they were grateful. I was somewhat cynical about their experience but also looking and searching for some hope.
And now here I am full of gratitude because of how the journey has shaped me and how I might encourage and lift up those that experience the same things I did.
Or that this blog might come up late one night when someone like me is looking for some hope....
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