One of those moments was being in elementary school trying to navigate making friends. Especially navigating who your best friends were. So in first grade, I was in hot pursuit of a best friend. Like in most first grade elementary classes there were bathroom breaks. Everyone lines up and goes to the bathroom.
I remember standing in the line of boys in the bathroom next to my friend and as we waited I asked him if he would be my best friend. Why the bathroom I don't know? Maybe it just seemed like the right time to ask? He said that I couldn't be his best friend. Dreams dashed. Someone had already taken that place. But I could be number two. I guess that would be okay.
I realized then and I still do now in my thirties my deep need for friendship. My deep need to belong.
Somewhere in our culture, something has gotten skewed about friendship. We are now under the impression that friendship comes at the click of a button. The term Facebook friend means something quite different than the word friend.
We live under the idea consciously or unconsciously that friendships come at a click of a button. But they really don't. Friendships, I am learning at this stage of my life, come at a cost and a high cost at that.
I am living into and accepting the reality that friendships aren't fast but instead take time to develop. Sure there are friendships that just naturally blossom organically but I think most friendships especially those formed in adulthood don't start out that way. It is hard to know someone over just spending a few moments with them. Instead of getting to know people now... we do background checks. We check people's statuses, political affiliations, posts, blogs... and just then we might enter this space called friendship.
I am learning that friendships take sacrifice. The willingness to stop the background check and enter into the unknown territory of making a friend. It also means I have to prioritize them in my life. They don't just happen. My wife and I often commiserate with one another as we try to schedule lunches, dinners, phone calls with friends or constituents that could be friends. We open up our calendars sacrifice evenings with the family and to no avail, it never works. Either phone calls are dropped, emails unreturned or someone isn't willing to drop something for the sake of being a friend. And parents are the worst. I love being a parent but if I have learned anything from these past few years... I need and want friends!
They take a steadfast commitment. Like I said friendships take time to develop. Knowing this means that everyone has to be committed to this long term commitment to building friendships and community. If we are ever to really "know" one another we have to take the time to spend with one another. Which means we have to abandon our stereotypes and assumptions of each other. Accept that everyone we are friends with is different. Meaning they live life differently. They parent differently. And to accept that is okay. And in fact, it is great that not everyone is like me. I would be a poor friend to myself!
All the while I am entering into this phase of my life of intentionally making friends I am planting a church. Yet I am trying not to even think about the church part. Friendship is what it is all about... and friends can come together to mutually support one another, affirm one another, empower one another. And to me, that is what church is and should be...
Plants have always been a great image for stuff like this. I am the worst at propagating a plant (rooting it from a cut of another plant). Usually what happens is that the plant I am trying to propagate dies. Usually, it is under my watchful daily eye. But a few months ago I took a couple gardenia flowers placed them on the counter in some water. And I forgot about them. Occasionally I changed the water. And three months later there were roots forming on each of the cuts of plants. Before I knew it I had three more gardenia plants to bloom in the garden.
This is what I am doing... I am making friends. And in making friends we are growing a garden without even knowing it. And this garden that just might sustain and nourish our community. Or in other words church.
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