kickball and never feeling good enough

For the past few months, I have been doing some soul work. Exploring ways that I might be a better spouse, parent, son, and leader... a better human being. Yet to do this has meant to dive into the murky waters of my childhood. I am discovering that to be a better human being means that I have to be willing to face the darkness that exists within me.

Just recently I found a book "Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up" by Jerry Colonna that recognizes that being a good leader means being aware and connected to who we are as a human being. Being aware of the unconscious darkness that lurks underneath who we are. 

I think about some of the simple moments of my childhood that had a profound impact on me.  One of those moments was playing kickball in elementary school and the utter terror of standing in line while team captains picked players for their team. I was always near last to be picked. And I always would tell myself why I was last, "you aren't any good, you aren't athletic enough, you made a mistake in the last game..." And when we did play and I missed catching the ball... I would yet again tell myself these things... 

And I still struggle with this very same voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough. But I have always compensated. Faked my way. Pretended. And crossed my finger no one found out. 

We often create bad behaviors that silence our demons so we don't have to face them. We make huge sacrifices as not rouse our demons. As long as my demons stay quiet I am okay. So the temptation is not to I take risks. 

Colonna says, "We forge our truest identity by putting our heads into the mouths of the scariest demons, the realities of our lives."

Or as Carl Jung states that if we bring the unconscious to lite we will change our fate. I don't have to live with this lurking feeling "of never measuring up" I can instead choose the path for which our baptism makes real in all of us. 

Relinquish the shame that holds us captive. 

We are children loved, cherished, and called by God. We no longer have to measure up or be good enough or feel the need to change who we are to please others. 

For many, I think this type of soul work makes people uncomfortable. In an age where we share any thought... has really become let's talk about everything but the demons that lurk behind the surface of us. 

This journey has made me more empathetic and compassionate especially towards people that I have been difficult to get along with. I envision them as a child at their metaphorical kickball game or living in the household for which they came. What demons have they spent their whole life trying to hide? Maybe they were abused... mistreated... ignored. Maybe they weren't loved and cared for well. 

Maybe they never felt like they were truly human and deserving of love and compensated for it in all the wrong ways. 

Or I think about my mom. My mom's dad died in a tragic car accident when she was five years old. I think of the thousands (a conservative number) of photos and moments that I have had just in the past three years with my daughter. I can't imagine the type of devastation that does to one's soul to lose your father at such a young age. And then the questions and what-ifs you live with for the rest of your life. All the while trying the best you can to raise your family.

So I am trying to do my soul-work. Everyone has a story or stories they could tell that would make all of us cry for one another because we just didn't know. So I am trying to tell myself on this complicated journey called life that I am of worth and value regardless if I am picked first or last on the kickball. And God celebrates me regardless of whether I kick a home run or not.